Emotional Mammals

Well I'm enjoying a slow start back to work after the festive merriment. The girls are sharing my slow morning pottering about (rats tend to have slow mornings just like me) and didn't even protest when I got them out for a cuddle first thing, I think they always sense when I'm in need.

I talk too much about my girls, I am absolutely besotted with them. I'm sure everyone with pets feels similarly. I'd love to say I'd felt the same about them all, but that's just not true, like with people, we have closer bonds with different animals. I felt it deeply when one of our girls passed away, she was almost 2, so a bit on the young side as girl rats tend to live 2+1/2 to 3 years if they have good luck healthwise. This little girl was not lucky, she had an autoimmune disease, probably something like lupus. She had arthritis, skin, eye and organ problems so I could pretty much sympathise given my own life with behcets. I never did write about her before, she's been gone the best part of a year and I do still miss her a lot. She had a seemingly comfortable life on steroids and painkillers when she needed them (which wasn't often). She was the only rat we've had with us who sought me out for a cuddle during free time (the couple of hours a day the girls get to run round the house and terrorise us adorably). She used to enjoy being stroked and having her back and hips massaged, trust me you can tell when a rat is enjoying herself, her eyes close, she flattens her ears and bruxes (which is a kind of 'purring' / teeth grinding that they do when they are very content). I enjoyed enormously being able to make her feel good for a while whilst she sat on my lap being fussed and massaged. Needless to say we had a very strong bond, its easy to anthropomorphosise animals, especially pets, but I know we had an understanding on some instinctual emotional level. I miss her.

Our current girls are a joy and never fail to entertain without trying. Working for myself from home, they live in my study/work room so I spend all day in the same place as them and often get them out in the day. I know I'd prefer to go back out to work sometime, I miss people, I do some voluntary work in a charity shop a few hours a week, but I do miss the daily ins and outs with co-workers. I was very lucky to work with a great bunch of folks before I was medically retired 3 years ago. Generally hospitals are a great place to work, the sense of working together is strong. I miss that and miss the job, it was very technical, which I enjoyed, but I miss the patients most, seeing people everyday, sharing in their lives, hopefully making their lives better. Seeing people again after a while, hopefully better or managing their condition, catching up on their gossip....

Nuclear Glow

It's been a hellish few days. I had a neuro-Behcet's flare over Christmas, most, but not all of which I can remember. I think what I find most difficult is knowing that my partner has to deal with it, he has to make the decision as to wether I am sick enough to need and doctor and / or hospital emergency department. Fortunately on this occasion we staved off such an unpleasant prospect with mega dose steroids, from which I am now basking in the glow. Hot flushes were never one of my favourite states.

Having found that I was unable to read properly (books and computer screen) I was forced to listen to music a lot more and rediscovered some old favourites and albums I didn't even realised we owned. Typing is interesting with funny 'ghosting' around the letters at the moment.

I've started working on some new jewellery projects today as my head is returning to me! I always know I'm improving from a flare when I feel like working again! I know he's not keen on me working on my 'time off' but it acknowleges my 'me-ness' and means I can't be too far gone.

Stalling....

What I tried to figure out this evening is just what elements are shaping my life at the moment? After 5 months of fertility treatment, the inevitable sinking feeling is setting in, that 'its really not going to happen' sentiment. I understand it as a self-protection mechanism at least. Oddly I'm still feeling positive, just generally more realistic. Current goals include avoiding purchases of bulk-buy packs of pregnancy tests, that and trying to figure out if my slightly loopy brain is a result of the fertility drugs or my Behcet's making an uninvited come-back.

This trying to conceive lark has been an odd journey so far, ultra-complicated by my having Behcet's Disease. To find out more about Behcet's, have a look at the Behcet's Society Website. I must admit I've been pretty unlucky with this disease, many people run a milder course with their Behcets with primarily ulcers and joint problems (which will not feel mild at all - but is not life threatening). I, on the other hand, have unluckily had major organ involvement, each person with Behcets has a different set of problems and these range in how serious and/or disabiling they can be.
It has gone after my brain/central nervous system, gut, heart, skin and joints. These days it's fairly quiet, leaving me time to chase my pet rats around the room in the evenings and actually work from time to time. I've been VERY lucky, lucky to have met some great doctors who actually knew how to treat me, in between many who didn't, not because they weren't good doctors, but simply because they didn't recognise my disease or know how to treat it. Some of those great doctors saved my life, on more than one occasion.

So.... up to date, I've been off my heavy duty immunosuppressant drugs for several months and when I was clear, we started the fertility treatment - which I swear feels like a menopause with all the symptoms! Its not all bad, just strange. I suppose I just wish I knew if it was going to have a good result or not, in the end.

I did once feel like we'd never even get to this stage.