Stalling....

What I tried to figure out this evening is just what elements are shaping my life at the moment? After 5 months of fertility treatment, the inevitable sinking feeling is setting in, that 'its really not going to happen' sentiment. I understand it as a self-protection mechanism at least. Oddly I'm still feeling positive, just generally more realistic. Current goals include avoiding purchases of bulk-buy packs of pregnancy tests, that and trying to figure out if my slightly loopy brain is a result of the fertility drugs or my Behcet's making an uninvited come-back.

This trying to conceive lark has been an odd journey so far, ultra-complicated by my having Behcet's Disease. To find out more about Behcet's, have a look at the Behcet's Society Website. I must admit I've been pretty unlucky with this disease, many people run a milder course with their Behcets with primarily ulcers and joint problems (which will not feel mild at all - but is not life threatening). I, on the other hand, have unluckily had major organ involvement, each person with Behcets has a different set of problems and these range in how serious and/or disabiling they can be.
It has gone after my brain/central nervous system, gut, heart, skin and joints. These days it's fairly quiet, leaving me time to chase my pet rats around the room in the evenings and actually work from time to time. I've been VERY lucky, lucky to have met some great doctors who actually knew how to treat me, in between many who didn't, not because they weren't good doctors, but simply because they didn't recognise my disease or know how to treat it. Some of those great doctors saved my life, on more than one occasion.

So.... up to date, I've been off my heavy duty immunosuppressant drugs for several months and when I was clear, we started the fertility treatment - which I swear feels like a menopause with all the symptoms! Its not all bad, just strange. I suppose I just wish I knew if it was going to have a good result or not, in the end.

I did once feel like we'd never even get to this stage.